I am writing to you today to tell you about me.
I’m not sure if I have depression. Maybe I do. Maybe I don’t.
All I know is that I’ve had a hard time.
When I turned ten my mom moved out so I could have my own room.
Leaving me with my dad and stepmom. Since then my stepmom has often said cruel things to me, leaving me feel small and often very worthless. I would look at myself and see a fat, ugly and stupid girl. I would also hurt myself but I won’t go into detail on that.
When I turned 14, things got better. I had started venting to my aunt and somewhere I don’t know where I had stopped berating myself so bad.
When I was 16 or 17 I found Emilie Autumn. At first I just loved her music for what it was. Then I learned about her, her story, why she wrote Opheliac and her book.
When I read her book, she talked about how she knew that she was worth it. Worth getting better. She knew that deserved happiness and I realized too, that I deserve happiness.
And through my current Plague Rat group on Facebook, I got gotten stronger. I’m not afraid of who I am anymore, I learned to be open and honest with myself and that I am beautiful.
In December of 2010, one group member introduced me to my now most favorite anime, Black Butler. And from there I have met three of the most important people in my life. Brittany, who I look forward to seeing every day I consider her one of my best friends. Alexis, who is sweet and shy and whom I consider my little sister. Briana, my girlfriend one of the most awesome people you’ll ever meet. Knowing I will see them gets me through the day. When I am sad or angry, seeing them makes me better. RPing or just talking with them lets me cope.
Because of their home lives and the distance between us I am at contant risk of losing them. I am so scared of losing them, it hurts.
There are (very rare) times I want to hurt myself again. And sometimes, when things in my life are very bad, to stop myself from doing worse things I do hurt myself.
But my friends help me.
What will I do if they leave? :( And I can’t help but see ‘when’ not ‘if’.